his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
