So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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