70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
