I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
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why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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