Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
time to smoke my breakfast
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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