He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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