I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
