Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Randomize
