i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
