Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
