He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
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he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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