she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
