I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We are all done wearing pants today
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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