I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
