she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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