I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Alive.
So much puke
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
