my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
