My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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