who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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