If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
