I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
