Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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