WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
