this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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