I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
