listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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