Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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