I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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