You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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