my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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