He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
