Three words: puerto rican gang bang
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
