Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
