Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
