there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
