he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
