I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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