why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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