she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
