My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
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Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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