just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
