That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
