i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
