i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
