I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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