there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
