this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
