it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
