Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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