I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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