I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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