Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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