If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
