and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
