cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
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I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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