"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
