How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
