We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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